The Closet and Inappropriate Marriages

Part 3 of The Harmful Effects of the Closet

Preamble to each post: There is no doubt that "the closet" is the most harmful result of continuing to deny LGBTs a legitimate and equal place in society. By not acknowledging them, heterosexuals force them into hiding. The results are often catastrophic. What is also not in doubt is that the closet is of heterosexual making. Rather than wag our fingers and preach our condemning sermons, we should be doing all we can to eliminate this despicable situation. For a simple fact remains: if we eliminate the closet, we eliminate all those things that we negatively associate with gayness. Even better, LGBTs are freed from the inhumanity of closet life.

By making life miserable for LGBTs, many resort to the secrecy of the closet in order to protect themselves.  To do so, they must appear as normal sexually as everyone else seems to be.  Often, this involves getting married.  Often, at least two lives are ruined in the process.  If children are involved, the body count continues.  People being forced into unnatural marriages is one of the most horrific aspects of the closet.

You don't have to look too far to know of such marriages.  I know of many.  A dear friend of mine had his wife come to him in tears, sobbing out, "God made me wrong."  They ended up divorcing.  Thankfully, no children were involved.  

Another friend and pastoral colleague learned of his wife's lesbianism when an affair was uncovered.  This time, children were involved.

An elder in a church I served married and had a child.  He couldn't live what he termed "a lie," and eventually   ended his marriage.

These stories could be continued indefinitely because they are all around us.  Just reading them on the page doesn't come close to the heart wrenching trauma suffered by all involved. Broken hearts, ended dreams, lives turned upside down, and children bewildered.  These are but a few of the consequences of forcing people to live contrary to their nature.  If you want to get a real sense of the anguish that comes with this, watch the documentary, For the Bible Tells Me So. It's available on Netflix.

The truly stultifying aspect of this is that it is totally unnecessary.  If there were no closet, there would be no need for these marriages in the first place.  And if same-sex marriage were available and acceptable, first marriages would be starting out as they should.  More and more people are seeing the logic of this and are now supporting efforts for gay normalization.

Recall that the first "not good" following all that was good in the creation stories of Genesis, was that the creature was alone.  God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone."  It is also not good for a man or woman to be forced into a marriage that maintains this loneliness. For only that partner who truly is suitable can do this.  For nonheterosexuals, only a same-sex partner will do.  (For a more complete explanation, see http://clergyunited.blogspot.com/2013/01/loneliness-first-not-good-of-creation.html)

I don't want to indict the motives or the character of those who make the choice to try to live their lives as best they can by trying to conform to society's expectations.  Many actually start out believing that they will somehow change by getting married, only to realize, too late, that they cannot change.  Others feel they are in love with their marriage partner, but discover that it is the love of a friend, not a spouse.  Still others discover their true sexuality after marriage.  Many who are still married but unhappy (lonely) persevere because of religious scruples and live lives of quiet desperation. I don't wish to disparage any of them for the choices they make, for it is a situation forced upon them by a heterocentric society that offers no good alternatives.  If we truly regret this situation, we need to do all we can to make the closet no longer necessary.

In the video below, hear from husbands and wives of gay partners who moved on from their marriages and how it affects all parties involved.  Courageous men and women, heartbroken, yet supportive of their loved one.  True humanity observed.

MONDAY: Clandestine and anonymous sexual practices

What Every Parent of a Gay Child Needs to Know: 8. Marriage Is Still a Good Possibilty

What is it that virtually all parents want for their children?  That's easy: to be happy.

Let's go on a little side trip.  One of the most destructive aspects of LGBTs living in the closet is that many of them will try to cover up their sexual orientation by getting married.  In many cases, this is done with affection, but not with love.  That is, it does not satisfy their deepest longing.  And it is not only to conceal a secret, but, often, to make parents happy. Almost every mom and dad yearns for grandchildren.  So, believing that revealing their sexual orientation will crush their parent's dreams, they give opposite sex marriage a go. These are known as "mixed-orientation marriages."

The results are devastating to all parties involved.

"According to Amity Buxton of the Straight Spouse Network, "When the gay, lesbian, or bisexual spouse comes out, a third of the couples break up immediately; another third stay together for one to two years, sorting out what to do and then divorce; the remaining third try to make their marriages work. A half of these couples divorce, while half of them (17% of the total) stay together for three or more years."

The Family Pride Coalition compiled the following statistics:

20 percent of all gay men in America are in a heterosexual marriage.
50 percent of all gay men in America have fathered children.
40 percent of all lesbians in America are married to a male partner.
75 percent of all lesbians have children." (From a story on About.com by Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com Guides)

Almost every LGBT I know over 40 tried unsuccessfully the marriage route.  Most had children.  But because the effort "to live a lie" (their words) was more than they could bear, divorce eventually followed.  Imagine the poor spouses left alone, the children, now bewildered, and most importantly, what could have been.  All this because society had no way of understanding the legitimacy of their orientation and could not make the necessary adjustment to allow for the one thing that would make them happy: same-sex marriage.

(For more biblical insight into the need for same-sex marriage, see http://clergyunited.blogspot.com/2013/01/loneliness-first-not-good-of-creation.html  I would recommend reading this before you continue with this post.)

So, if as a parent you want your child to be happy, you should foster an environment where they will be free to follow their own dreams for themselves, and not live out your own.

Fortunately, the tide is turning and now a majority of Americans are for giving LGBTs the freedom to marry.  It is conceivable that in the not too distant future, regardless of how the US Supreme Court decides on the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), or California's Proposition 8, same-sex marriage will be widespread across the States.

We need to make it possible for LGBTs to marry one of their own orientation.  It will end many injustices simultaneously: divorce, children of divorce, unsatisfactory life arrangements, and make possible the one thing parents want most for their children, their happiness.

The following video shows both the devastation and the hope that are both found when LGBTs marry other than of their natural orientation.  Watch it, and weep for all those who continue to struggle.

MONDAY: You still may have grandchildren